Parking:
The aim of the game here is to get as close to where you need to be as possible. So, start by purging your mind of giving any fucks whatsoever about considering others or following the rules.
- Look where you are parking. Is there a parking space? If so try and get in there, take as long as you need.
- Don’t worry if there isn’t enough space to parallel park your car. It’s perfectly acceptable to leave your car half sticking out in the road.
- Alternatively, if you have to park right into someone else’s bumper so they can’t get out because the driver who parked in front of them has done the same thing, good job! Fuck them, it’s their problem now and you’ll be on your second coffee by the time it becomes an issue.
- Don’t be afraid to double or even triple park. To reiterate earlier points- not your problem. Also, don’t feel obligated to be going about your business close enough to hear them beeping their horn if you left your handbrake on, you’ve got important people to see and have coffee with.
- If you see a space not wide enough for your car don’t fret! Even if you have to pull both your mirrors in and cause permanent damage to both of the other cars by scraping your car against theirs as you squeeze into what a boozed up lizard could clearly see is not enough space, this is perfectly acceptable parking and you should be proud.
- In the event of parking in a car park, should you need to park so fucking inconsiderately that you use two or three parking spaces because for some reason (I don’t think after living here even for a hundred years I could understand) then go for it.
- On the rare occasion that you come across two parking spaces next to each other, make sure you park in such a way that it becomes a space for one car instead. It’s not as if there’s a shortage of the fucking things is it?
- Once you have successfully parked up, make sure you take as long as possible to leave your car. The reason for this is to take as much pleasure as possible in waving an emphatic no to other drivers who will enquire whether you are vacating the coveted space. Make sure you are as smug as possible about this. You can no more afford a hundred Euros a month for a garage space than they can, but you need to act like it. It’s not as if they’ve been driving round the same fucking three blocks for up to an hour in search of a space. They will be cool about it and fully appreciate, and be grateful for, you building up their hopes then crushing them and leaving them in tears.
- If someone is beeping their horn because they are blocked in, make sure you lean out of your window/over your balcony and shout at them for being noisy and keeping your baby up. (No stress, it’s not as if anyone will point out that your shouting is louder than the car horn and nearer to the baby). I know you do this yourself but they’re being a dick and need to keep it down.
If you wake up at seven thirty in the morning to realize the person honking their horn outside is because you have parked in an inconsiderate way, don’t rush down to let them get their car out. Make sure you have your coffee, shave, shower and chat with your wife about how you knew those people who followed you home last night because your aunt’s cousin’s mother’s uncle once saw them out running before heading out to move your fucking car. It’s not as if the driver outside has already been there for twenty minutes and has to pick other people up on their way to work.- When leaving a parking space, always make sure you bump the cars behind and in front of you at least 5 times each, don’t bother using your mirrors, just go forward/reverse until you hit the car, then you know exactly where you are.
- Take as long as possible about leaving the space, the driver who’s going to take it is forced to stay in the road blocking cars, causing a huge tailback and even more agitation, but it’s not a problem. You go when you’ve finished the conversation with the person whom you’re about to get in the car and drive away with; this is fucking Spain.
- If you are the person waiting to park, do not under any circumstances move your car into a position where traffic can get by or give any obvious signs that you are waiting. They need to chill out and you have a space; take a moment to be smug.
- Should you find yourself in that tailback of traffic, make sure you get out and shout at the person who is waiting to park and obviously not the selfish arsehole who’s taking their sweet time about it leaving the parking space.
- Always pay the friendly parking man. He is essentially a beggar, who stands around drinking beers and smoking fags all day. Even the one on my plaza, who is clearly earning more than I do for being a fucking private school teacher. But still, there’s no need to get angry and bitter about such things. Especially when he knows less about parking than the blind/deaf old lady who lives next door, and is often nowhere to be seen when you park, but still wants money. I’m sure there’s a perfectly good reason you have to pay a tramp fifty cents a day, to park outside where you pay good money to fucking live. He may even have learnt some words in English to charm you, such as ‘Your wife is beautiful jaja’ or ‘You’re my best friend jaja,’ so be nice and give up your hard-earned cash.
More to come…
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