“A Guide to Driving In Spain – Part One”

Spain is a great place to live, however, driving can be hectic.

Thankfully for you, I’ve compiled a handy list of how to act when on a road, follow these simple steps to the letter and you will have no problems.

The basics:

1. If possible, find another means of getting safely to your destination.
2. Make sure your horn is fully functional.
3. Driving takes place on the right-hand side of the road.
4. You may see some white lines on the road with the gaps between them around two feet wider than the average car. And always that width apart. No one is quite sure of their purpose. Probably some idiot in the Ajuntamiento ordered too much paint and they needed to get rid of it or something, so they did some ‘road art’. So just completely ignore them.
5. When pulling out don’t be afraid to swing into the other side of the road. It is after all physically impossible to pull out completely on your side so take as much space as you need.
6. Think carefully about how fast you drive. There are probably laws about how fast you can drive on each road, fucked if I know what they are, but 20 km/h above or below the speed limit is what most people do. Go as slow as you feel you need to.
7. Just because it’s dark don’t feel pressured to turn your lights on, it’s other people’s responsibility to see you. Duh.
8. Never indicate to show you are turning. It’s no one else’s fucking business where you are going so you don’t need to inform them. They might even follow you back to your house or the restaurant you are heading to. What with dinner at 10pm and all the chat that will happen, who knows what time you will get rid of them.
9. If for some obscure reason you really feel that you have to indicate make sure you do it well after you have braked and turned, a good three to five seconds will do nicely. Better still indicate left for several hundred feet, then right, then left, then finally make a right turn. Then indicate right.
10. Don’t use your mirrors, just turn if you want to.
11. Don’t even feel you have to pull your mirrors out if you tucked them in when you last parked; you’re not going to need them anyway.
12. The next tip is going to take some practice, but you will get there. Ensure you have committed to memory where the junction you want to leave at is (or if you go by it, travel to work via it or live nearby and subsequently navigate it every day this should not be a problem). When approaching the junction wait until the last possible moment before crossing several lanes of traffic without indicating or slowing before leaving the road. Now you might get some beeping and what might appear to be schtick for this, but in reality, it’s other road users congratulating you on your skills. Also, remember what we said about people following you.
13. Should you nearly cause an accident by doing any of these, always speed off dangerously in front of you nearly causing another accident. At least if you did cause any accidents, you won’t be there to be embarrassed about it and have to face the consequences, including but not limited to your mother or wife bailing you out by paying the excess fee, as you’re probably driving her car.
14. Remember, should other motorists decide they have a problem with your driving and give you any shit, be sure to carry on driving exactly as you were before, even trying the same dangerous maneuver again immediately and seeing if you have better luck.
15. In addition to this if anyone beeps you or tries to tell you, you’re a bad driver, make sure you give them a look that lets them know they are the dickhead.

If you’re following these steps, you are doing great!  Keep it up!

More to follow…